Seven Habits of Highly Ineffectual People

Don’t be afraid to ask questions: And, I mean a LOT of questions… so many questions that no one you work for will ever ask you to do anything ever again.

Network: You may think you are alone out there, but there are a lot of other screw-ups that are just waiting to share what they imagine is wisdom; and, even blame you for some of the mistakes that they made before even meeting you. This is the kind of support you’ll need to start rationalizing your impossibly bad life choices.

Have the courage to give up on your goals. Effective people are goal-driven… essentially SLAVES to their goals. They are too cowardly to admit to the world that they just don’t feel like accomplishing anything. You, on the other hand, not only confront your failure, you share an apartment with it.

Visualize your failure: Share that vision with others. That way, when you DO fail, you can tell them that you KNEW this was going to happen. Knowing what will happen in advance is what smart people do…

Family is very important: So have at least two families going at all times. Is it bigamy? It’s big of all of us. Remember that having both families in the same neighborhood is a very bad idea, so feel free to do that…

Dream Big: You’ve got ideas… fundamentally flawed horrible nonsensical ideas. Cling to those. Your plan B is putting hidden cameras in a convent bathroom and creating a gif website? You GO, boy! Maybe you’ve figured out the PERFECT way to get cocaine out of Mexico and into the United States. Follow your heart, my friend! Whatever your ill-advised future life choice is, make sure and run it past your “network”.

Impulse Control: It’s best not to have any of that. Keep your emotional age at around six years old. If it creeps up higher than that, you are in danger of doing something right. Take a break and kick over a flat screen television at Target because one of the employees looks as if he thinks he’s better than you; or, tell a cop that, without his badge and gun, you’d whip him “like a horse on Derby Day”. If your children are perpetually ashamed to be seen in public with you, you are in the sweet spot.