Which Chinese Element are You?

Related image

As in Western astrology, Chinese astrology associates groups of signs with classical elements. For those who study Chinese astrology and analyze the relationships between birth year and cycles of nature, I just want to say, with great admiration, “Why are you wasting your life?”.

Depending upon what element you were born under, you might have an entirely different set of ambiguous characteristics that can only be attributed to most other people…
Image result for chinese element waterWater: If you were born a pig or a rat, you are of the element, water; in my opinion, the attributes of water are a little too awesome to be wasted on a pig or a rat. A pig turns into sausage before its first birthday and a rat only lives long enough to die under a pile of old newspapers in your garage. But, their ruling planet is Saturn… HOW MESSED UP IS THAT??? The most wretched of signs gets the coolest planet. I’m beginning to suspect nepotism…

The color associated with the element water is black. I know we all thought that black water was a Doobie Brothers construct, but, apparently it has been around for a long time. If your element is water, North is the direction you want to face for good luck, prosperity and to see the aurora borealis. The season of water is Winter so, if you are shopping for Christmas presents, you cannot go wrong with the gift of water.

The sense organ associated with water is the ear. This does not make less sense than any other element/sense organ pairing, because the concept didn’t make any sense in the first place. I DO have to say that, from past experience, I know you cannot sneak up on a pig. The fact that water is associated with a Black Turtle is completely understandable. TURTLES LIVE IN WATER… and, as the Doobie Brothers will attest, water can be black and it is often encouraged to keep on rollin’…

The virtue associated with water is wisdom. I agree that pigs are smart, but calling them, “wise” seems a stretch. The less said about rats, the better…

Image result for chinese element fireFire: If you are a snake or a horse, your element is fire. We don’t tend to associate snakes or horses with fire, but they are, in fact, flammable. Fire is all about Summer and hot climates and lemonade and Pepperidge Farm cookies, apparently. It is the element of passion and you will never see an animal more passionate and loving than the snake.

The ruling planet of the element fire is Jupiter. Jupiter is a VERY respectable planet and I’m sure some of the other elements were pretty put out when it was assigned. But, when you are fire, you pretty much get what you want.

The mythical animal associated with the fire element is the Vermilion Bird. The Vermilion Bird is a glorious elegant creature that you might see in any hallucination…

Image result for chinese element metalMetal: If you are looking West and your luck changes for the better, you are probably a rooster or a monkey under the element of metal. If you stand there until Autumn and your luck improves even more, you can be SURE you are under the element of metal. If you do these things because I suggested them, you are truly an independent thinker, because very few people would.

Metal associates itself with dry weather and the color white. I’m pretty sure that movie detective Charlie Chan was born under the sign of rooster or monkey because he always wore white and had fantastic luck solving murders, although not much luck in finding a diction tutor.

Metal is associated with the planet Mars. Matt Damon is also associated with the planet Mars. Am I saying that Matt Damon is made of metal and not egg whites and popsicle sticks as was previously thought? Perhaps. Sometimes I pay a grad student to type my stuff for me so I kind of lose track. It’s nice to give a struggling student a job that fits his schedule and I’m a prisoner in his house please help me.

The mythical creature associated with metal is the white tiger. There are real white tigers out there; but, the one associated with metal is strictly mythological. Seems a waste of some perfectly good albinos but what do I know? The virtue associated with metal is righteousness and the associated sense organ is the nose. That information may not save your life some day, but if you are ever falling from a great height it COULD give you something to think about before you hit the ground…

Related imageWood: This element is the parent to the signs of tiger and rabbit and there’s not a thing you can do about it. It’s direction is East, so if you are of this element and live on either pole, you are pretty much screwed. But, since its season is Spring, you probably wouldn’t have opted for such a cold climate. No, you prefer a windy climate and the color green. You are complicated and mysterious and probably use a scent that baffles most people because your body generates it.

Your ruling planet is Venus, but if Neptune gives you something to do, you’ll probably do that, too. You DON’T want to get on Neptune’s bad side, which I hear is the side furthest from the Sun. Your virtue is benevolence. You are creative; in fact, I believe whoever made up this element/animal zodiac crap had to be under the element of wood.

Your associated sense is the eyes. In my opinion, you hit the jackpot on that one. Your mythical creature is a blue dragon, but, since your color is green, you never quite warm up to it…

Related imageEarth: Okay, this is the WORST element to be, which is hardly surprising considering all the respect that DIRT GETS. And, since I was born under the sign of the ox, this is my element. I am not happy about it, but since I am a “gold ox”, I am supposed to be hard-working and popular; so, when all of that kicks in, my mood should improve…

Every other element has a direction. What does Earth have? The direction of not going anywhere. Standing still. Doing nothin’… As a man who spends his working hours at a computer and his free time at a TOTALLY different computer, I resent that characterization.

Every other element gets its own season. Earth gets the period between seasons… nothing but scraps. Almost makes me feel like a Pisces, except I’m not an ineffectual blowhard. Our preferred climate is damp and our color is yellow. I don’t know about you, but “damp” and “yellow” seems like a combination that should also involve the words “mop” and “bleach”.

Our mythical creature? The Yellow Dragon… because NOBODY wants a yellow dragon. Excluding the Chaquita Banana, yellow is not a very wholesome color to be. Our planet is Mercury, the planet that is only visible for about fifteen minutes a year. Earth’s associated sensory organ is the mouth. That’s right… they gave us the sense organ with all the spit in it…

Earth’s primary virtue is fidelity, which makes us the Forrest Gump of the Chinese elements…

6 thoughts on “Which Chinese Element are You?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s