A Kiss is Still a Kiss: Types of Kisses

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First kiss: Your first kiss is like a smoker’s first cigarette of the day… or the last cigarette of the day… or, really ANY cigarette… sudden and addictive. Someone has consented to put their mouth on your filthy germy mouth. It’s a brave new world out there.

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Dual Residence Kissing: You live with your parents, she lives with hers… plus, her father collected ears during the war, so you really don’t want to sneak into her room at night. The only outlet for your forbidden passionate love is vigorous makeout sessions whenever and where ever possible. As Dr. Suess once said, “… on a train, in the rain, on a boat and… if desperate enough, with a goat…”

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The Old Movie-Style Kiss: Noses in a perfect position, no tongues… female of the species bent ever so slightly back. It’s the perfect kiss for anyone planning to be a virgin their entire life. But, you cannot blame Hollywood; the movie-viewing public probably wouldn’t has stood for Lauren Bacall hastily wiping away vast gobs of Bogart’s saliva… and he had a lot of it… judging from his lisp…

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Pre-Divorce Kiss: You kiss to avoid alarming the children but they can see that your kisses look like two skulls clacking together at the mouth. And, as a side note, they also understand your code words for “infidelity”, “frigidity” and “that whore you’ve got on the other side of town”.

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The Pre-Brush Kiss: Morning breath isn’t technically toxic but, through distillation, it can be made toxic. But, you’ve spent the night with your bodies wrapped around one another so a kiss is du rigour. So, you take a little inhale with each kiss and hope to God that your partner does the same…

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The European Kiss: Kissing the air on either side of a person’s face is a kiss like Welsh rarebit has real chunks of rarebit in it. It angers me so much that I’ve been designing drones that blow up anyone saying the word “Chow”. Note, that may mean the end of some innocent chow owners, but every war has its casualties.

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The Kiss of Death: A practice of the Cosa Nostra. Just as Christ was betrayed by a kiss, so is the poor sap that is about to wear cement shoes, a concrete overcoat and barbell underwear. Take the cannoli…

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Forehead Kiss: Administered by good witches to protect you from bad witches. Probably works okay but, to be safe, keep your ruby slippers where you can get to them…

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Dog Kisses: There’s nothing sweeter and more loving than a dog kiss… until someone explains to you that, evolutionarily, the dog is actually reacting to an instinct to get you to vomit food into its open mouth.

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The Kiss of Life: Someone has gone under the water and is no longer breathing. You deliver mouth-to-mouth. If it is successful, you are a hero. If not, you have to live with the fact that you kissed a dead person for fifteen minutes.

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20 thoughts on “A Kiss is Still a Kiss: Types of Kisses

    1. Really? That’s almost exactly what it is going to be, today, here.

      Well, still furloughed. I’m going a little mad… I guess I need structure.

      Still basking in the glow of publishing some of your work?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, I’ve got some content but I’m still trying to figure out the best way to arrange it. As for crochet, I’d have to have a major personality change to take it up…

        Like

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