How Men Cope with Baldness

Crew Cut: It’s hard to see the baldness when the rest of the hair is a scant 0.18 inches in length. Very effective but, if you are heavy, you’ll look like Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. If you are in good physical shape, you’ll look like someone who just started a soccer riot.

Shaved Head: If you aren’t black, forget it. You’ve solved your balding problem only to look like the old Wooly Willy toy.

Comb-over: A few dozen hairs, grown long and plastered to the head in a swirl pattern that hypnotizes anyone who sees it. Women may not fall at your feet, but watch out for mesmerized squirrels, falling senseless from the trees.

Baseball Cap: You may have noticed that the sexiest men in the world wear baseball caps at all times: Ron Howard… Michael Moore… Is it the caps themselves or the raw sexuality exuded by these men? We’ll probably never know…

Implants: If the look you want is that of a little girl’s doll after she mutilated the hair with her mother’s pinking shears, this is for you. Hair implants show the opposite sex that you’ve got money to waste and are vain enough to be manipulable.

Toupee: A wee wig that only covers part of the head… so it must match the rest of the hair, stay in place and look vaguely like human hair. Your old hair barely did that.

Chemicals: For a chance to grow hair, who wouldn’t risk headaches, dizziness and rapid heart rate? Don’t think of those things as side-effects. Think of Rogaine as a party drug that MIGHT grow hair!

Biker Beard: Yep, an eight inch distraction under your chin that says, “Ignore the fact that the man behind the curtain doesn’t have a curtain anymore”. You can braid it, shape it or wax it. You’ll attract a different sort of woman, however; so, if girls who have teeth and haven’t committed felonies are your thing, you might be out of luck.

Ignore it: The ultimate cool. I’d tell you that this is what I do but… well… this list says otherwise.

Paint it Black: Spray hair looks more like actual hair than anything else you might get from an aerosol can… although silly string is a close second. It works off the premise that pink baldness shows through so the scalp should be camouflaged. The flaw to this strategy is that, if you do attract a mate, she will find out… and, “my boyfriend spray-paints his head” is not something most women ever imagine themselves saying.