What I’ve Learned Watching Six Weeks of Animal Documentaries

Image result for david attenborough gorilla
David Attenborough reevaluating his life choices

[Lately, due to a mix of government furlough, flu and good old fashioned chronic depression, I’ve been watching a LOT of animal programs on the television.  I’ve learned much and now it is time to share that knowledge with you]

I was watching Australia’s Most Dangerous Animals to see which Australian animals are the most dangerous. Turns out, it’s all of them.

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If a segment is about lions, I cheer for the lion; otherwise, I cheer for the gazelle. I’m fickle. I’d cheer for any animal over any animal depending on how the circumstances are presented… except venomous snakes. For five cents, I’d set fire to the forests and jungles of the world and run them over with lawn mowers as they fled the flames.

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I think what surprised me most watching these animal documentaries was that Wonder Woman is a species of loon… although I might’ve just fallen asleep and my son changed the channel…

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In Africa, everything is trying to eat somebody else. It’s like a huge free-form buffet, but, without a make your own sundae bar.

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Some segments are obviously created by editing. The reaction shots from the seven other animals when the elephant entered the clearing defies logic. Did they have a close-up on those animals from seven different cameras when the elephant arrived? And, if they’d stoop that far, my guess is they wouldn’t be above tripping a longhorn sheep to help out a frustrated puma.

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After you’ve watched a lot of animal shows you get depressed because, even the animals you like are jerks most of the time.

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After repeated watchings, I have to concede that, from some angles, guinea hens are kind of sexy…

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Who is going to win? The cute and charismatic mongoose… or the evil slithering cobra? If only dog races were this easy to predict…

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Whales are intelligent creatures but watching one for more than five minutes is like watching a camper trailer sink into a lake.

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After watching rams, bears, sharks, dolphins and all other of God’s creatures, I’m pretty sure that man is the only animal that mates by getting his date really drunk and implying that he owns a sailboat.

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In caves where they is no light, animals evolve to have no eyes. Why is having no eyes in a light-less world better than having eyes and never using them? Because creatures with no eyes won’t stop foraging in the hopes of securing a career in the arts.

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19 thoughts on “What I’ve Learned Watching Six Weeks of Animal Documentaries

  1. I agree, guinea hens are sexy… Although I always take medication, I am always a bit bluer at this time of year. Animal documentaries usually make me cry so I am currently addicted to the new Lindsay Lohan reality show. She always makes me feel like a success.

    Liked by 2 people

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