Reflections on Why TV Historians are So Hot

Bettany Hughes, the Earth-Mother of History

I’m working from home on a very snowy day, my nose pressed up against the window. This is indeed a time for reflection… unless you are a vampire, of course. In that case, you should not only cast no reflection but you should be decently in bed before the rays of the sun turn you to dust. But, those of us who are mortal and DON’T drink the blood of our fellow humans for sustenance are reflecting. And, I am reflecting on something that’s been bouncing around in my brain for a long time: Why are historians so hot?

Francesca Stavrakopoulou, thinking up a new theory guaranteed to endanger her life

I just noticed that biblical scholar, in her series Bible’s Buried Secrets, Francesca Stavrakopoulou looks like a Greek model that someone computer-enhanced to look like an even prettier Greek model. Throughout this documentary, I’ve disagreed with most of what she said; yet, I’m DEFINITELY going to see the series out to the end. She may have alienated most of Israel, Syria and Palestine, but she can definitely crash on my couch until the hubbub has passed.

I think it all started with Bettany Hughes, who hosted Geniuses of the Ancient World and Geniuses of the Modern World. I was fifteen minutes into the first show in the series when I realized that she was actually speaking. I was mesmerized. Here was an intelligent attractive woman who was actually excited about the same ideas I was; and, as a bonus, she was from the United Kingdom and didn’t have an obvious heroin habit. She was peaches and cream with a cleavage and a brain. It would be great to come home to a woman and talk about Nietzsche over dinner. The closest I’ve ever come to that is coming home to a woman and not talking about Nietzsche over dinner…

Now, the problem I have is WHY are historians more attractive than say… computer professionals… or even archaeologists…? Well OBVIOUSLY, with archaeologists, the difference in physical attractiveness is due to archaeologists spending an inordinate amount of time out in the sun without sunscreen. With computer professionals, the problem is simply worry. No matter how good we are, someone is going to invent a language that we know nothing about and then some teenager is going to take our jobs. Whose youthful looks can handle THAT kind of stress?  Mine didn’t…

A historian has no stress at all. If she’s wrong, who’s going to prove it, conclusively? Everyone involved is DEAD. She’s lives a life with no regrets… no premature aging.

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Historians don’t NEED to go out into the sunlight, except to get from one library to another. That is why historians only go out at night or carry parasols…

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Every man that an historian is interested in is dead; and, this gives me a strong advantage… being somewhat alive and all…

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Unlike primatologists, an historian is almost never in danger of having her arms and legs pulled off by an angry gorilla. This adds to her confidence and confidence is SEXY!

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One problem with being romantically involved with an historian is, if you aren’t a consistent lover, she will notice because it is her job to document things. A good sign that you need to up your game is if she refers to the last six months as “the dark ages” of your relationship…

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Normal people talk to their significant others about workmates that you wouldn’t care about if they were sitting on your chest with a weed-whacker; historians talk about famous dead people because they are who they work with.

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So, whatever comes out of your mouth during conversations had better be pure gold… or you’ll find her in the arms of some paleontologist when you come home early one day…

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