How to Avoid Shark Attacks

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If you are in the water, steer clear of fishermen. If you are not in the water, steer clear of fishermen, anyway.

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If fish or turtles behave erratically, get out of the water. What is erratic behavior for a turtle? I’d imagine it would be running really really fast or trying to buy liquor without an ID.

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If a shark is sighted, leave the water quickly. Also, don’t use a banana as a phone and never try to keep your hat from blowing off with a nail-gun.

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When out in the water, avoid dead animals… unless that animal is a tiger, because when are you going to get a chance to see something like THAT again?

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If you feel something brush up against you, get out of the water and check for a shark bite. Often a shark bite isn’t initially felt. When you get out of the water, if you are two feet shorter than you were a few minutes ago, your legs may be gone.

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Avoid unnecessary splashing. Only splash someone if that person has just splashed you. You could just wait for a shark to get him, but, if there are no erratic turtles nearby, that’s probably unlikely to happen.

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Only swim during the day… unless you are drunk-swimming because that should only be done at night.

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Do not get into the ocean if you are bleeding. Sharks can sense blood from quite a way off. If you are in the water and you notice bleeding, try to use deep breathing to suck blood back into the wound.

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There are shark-repellent devices that you can wear around your neck. They do nothing to stop the shark, but, when they check the contents of the sharks stomach, it will help them to determine which shark ate you.

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If you are attacked by a shark, stay calm. Very calm… that tranquil otherworldly calm that you can only get when something IS TRYING TO EAT YOU ALIVE.

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Also, if a shark is attacking you, try to gouge the eyes. If the shark is wearing goggles or glasses, what you have there is probably just a surfer.

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If you see a shark, tell the nearest authority figure. If you are near a beach, that would be a lifeguard. If you are near a school, that would be a crossing guard.

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22 thoughts on “How to Avoid Shark Attacks

    1. …Gottlieb recalls: “[Richard] Zanuck and [David] Brown were very stingy producers, so everyone kept telling them, ‘You’re gonna need a bigger boat.’ It became a catchphrase for anytime anything went wrong — if lunch was late or the swells were rocking the camera, someone would say, ‘You’re gonna need a bigger boat.'”

      Roy Scheider, who played Brody in the movie, ad-libbed the line at different points in his performance throughout filming. But the one reading that made it in to the final cut of the movie was after the suspenseful first look at the great white shark. Says Gottlieb, “It was so appropriate and so real and it came at the right moment, thanks to Verna Field’s editing.”…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I am similar to the turtle in that if you ever see me running, you had better run too because that means something is coming. I hate running. Whenever I see someone running I always think something, somewhere has gone horribly wrong. My wife assures me some people just enjoy running. I don’t believe it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment reminds me of a James Thurber story about a town below a dam where a couple of people are running for some reason and the entire town panics and starts fleeing what they think is a dam-burst…

      Liked by 1 person

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