Bits of Pieces of Bits

My body hasn’t been the same since the first time my wife got pregnant…mostly due to that botched vasectomy I performed on myself to ensure it never ever happened again.

Insanity runs in my family… mostly it runs from invisible tigers…

No man is an island… it’s just that some men are very shore of themselves…

I don’t believe in objectifying women. That’s why it’s only sex dolls and porn for me!

Experts say that we are not prepared for a world-wide pandemic that kills seventy-five percent of those infected; but, I disagree. Modern earth-moving equipment can dig mass graves in no time.

I think that racists could avoid a lot of bad publicity if they just had a secret handshake.

Turns out, whistle-blower laws do NOT protect someone who blows one at the Kennedy Center during a performance of Aida.

Answering the door when someone knocks is my favorite thing not to do when I’m away.

Dogs can smell fear and they do not like it. The number one fear people have is public speaking; so, never take your dog to a Toastmasters meeting because it will just piss him off.

I know it doesn’t make logical sense, but, whenever I had sex with my pregnant wife, I always felt as if, after she gave birth, there’d be another baby in there partially started.

I may have won the battle, but I lost the war. After I lost the war, the victor rewrote the history books so, as far as posterity is concerned, I lost the battle, too…

In the middle stages of Alzheimer’s Disease, my dad let his hair and beard grow so, for the first time in my life, we looked alike. So, if my mom needs to describe me to someone, she says that I look exactly like my father with dementia.

Dogs hate the sound of a vacuum. Turn the vacuum on every time you play the song “Hips Don’t Lie” and your dog will cry every time he hears Shakira’s voice just like the rest of us do.