Types of Women I am DONE with

Coke/Meth-head:  You’d think all of that extra energy would make for a GREAT relationship. Staying up forty-eight hours at a time would ensure that she’d have even MORE time to be focused on ME.  But, she wrecked my car and then she slept with my brother.  After that, she wrecked HIS car and slept with HIS brother… who, it turned out, was me.  So, happy ending?  Well, MY CAR IS STILL WRECKED.

Heavy-Duty Feminist:  I don’t need a lecture after each interaction.  Maybe I decided, regardless of gender, that you were the best one to stay home, barefoot and pregnant, solely focused on my needs.  It doesn’t HAVE to be a gender thing.

Military:  I’m not going to lie to you.  I irritate women… a lot.  And, soldiers are trained to hurt and kill people, for some reason.  I wouldn’t want to be involved with a woman who could solve her problem by punching me in the throat.

Successful Women:  I don’t need your success thrown into my face every time I talk to you; in fact, I seldom need anything thrown into my face.  Yes, you earn more money than I do; but, you also slept with my brother after wrecking my car.

Spiritual Women:  A spiritually-attuned woman would eventually find out that I’m made entirely of concentrated apathy.  One particularly spiritual woman made a bee-line for the door because she knew I was hopeless and toxic and because she’d been a bee in a previous life.

Young Girls:  I may have the energy for sex thanks to naturally-produced hormones and lots of Viagra; but, I’m far too old to learn to like a new musical genre; in fact, I only like THREE songs:  Hotel California, Stairway to Heaven and Land Down Under.  That’s it!  On a continuous loop at my home.  All I know about hip-hop is that you can dance to it and it makes people shoot each other.

Greek Women:  They’re okay, I guess; but, inevitably we’d start discussing Plato’s proof of the existence of God and how it relates to his Platonic Ideal.  Harsh words would be exchanged; then, she’d join the military, come back home and punch me in the throat.

Women My Age:  Will not put up with my nonsense so who needs ‘em?

Imaginary Women:  They are perfect until you really need to rely on them; then, they are off doing coke and sleeping with my imaginary brother…

Cop:  I may not WANT to do something illegal. But, I’d still like the option to…

If you smoke dope and your girlfriend’s a cop

She will tell you to stop

So, you hit the bong

Early in the day before she comes along

Because if she saw

She’d tell the law…

and, you’d be behind bars

while she wrecked your and your brother’s cars…