Why I Don’t Fish: Two Ways

Today’s going to be a little different. I’m going to give you a peek of what’s going on inside my brain. Hopefully, you won’t flee my home and leave your purse behind as it has been with others that I have shown my inmost thoughts. The first part is the normal list… as I’ve said, they are notes. The second part is a monologue based on those notes. Later, I’ll turn it into a Turkish opera and finally into the instructions on the back of a fire extinguisher…

Fishing seems like a practical joke that’s gone too far.

As a food, fish seems like something created by aliens who had never tasted or touched real meat and didn’t know where bones go.

If you fail to catch a fish, you’ve lost a battle of wits with a creature whose brain is the size of a raisin.

Hooks remind me of the movie Hellraiser, which reminds me of the movie Hellraiser 3, which was awful.

If I cast from a crowded boat, I often end up with pieces of my fellow passengers on the end of my hook.

I can’t take a fish off of a hook. Mostly I just run around calling for an ambulance.

I don’t want to kill a bunch of worms because they might be politically connected.

I don’t like fishing trips. Sharing a cabin with lots of other men seems to me to be far too intimate; in fact, the only time I enjoy hanging out with lots of men is when I wrestle naked.

I do like fishing shows because they show us that the public is interested in two fat middle-aged men who bond over a dead bass.

If you don’t have time to go fishing, a great simulation is to sit on the hard ground all day, put a hook through your thumb and somehow get heat stroke…

 

Monologue

Sometimes, I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t like fishing; in fact, I don’t really like most of the manly sports. I did play football in high school and did some full-contact karate until I got my nose in the shape and position I liked. My hobbies now are writing and baking… If it weren’t for my penis and the fact that I’ve avoided prison, I’d be Martha Stewart…

At first glance, fishing seems like a practical joke that someone carried a bit too far. And, that’s if you catch a fish. If you fail to catch a fish, you’ve been outsmarted by a creature who has a brain the size of a raisin. It’s like losing a chess game to some guy who doesn’t have a head. I like to think that, if I ever want to simulate a day of fishing, I can just sit on the ground for six hours, put a hook through my thumb and try to come down with heat-stroke.

And, let’s be honest: Hooks are CREEPY. They remind me of the movie Hellraiser… which reminds me of the movie Hellraiser Three, which really really sucked. It was essentially a snuff film but with disfigured ghosts instead of stockbrokers and prostitutes. Hooks are dangerous not only to fish but to other humans. When I cast from a crowded boat, I often end up with pieces of the other passengers on my hook. Then, there’s the screaming to contend with.

Plus, you have to impale a living creature onto that hook… I know a worm isn’t much of a threat but he might be politically connected… like that cat I threw a shoe at that turned out to be friends with Ted Cruz. And, ghost worms might not be terrifying but they are distracting. Enough of them writhing around can ruin a decent spaghetti dinner.

And, if by a miracle I catch a fish, I can’t take it off of the hook. I just run in circles screaming for an ambulance. I can’t gut a fish, which involves taking the guts out. I can’t clean a fish, which involves taking the guts out. I can cook a fish, but, in my opinion, fish is like what some alien might create if they had never tasted or touched meat and didn’t know what bones were for.

I do like the fishing shows, though. Who doesn’t enjoy two fat middle-aged men bonding over a dead bass? They even kiss and talk to the fish. Sure it’s disturbing but no more so than those guys who hang out just outside the subway with a paper cup in their laps. Fishing trips, on the other hand, make me uncomfortable. So many guys in a small cabin is too much intimacy for me. The only time I like hanging out with a bunch of guys is when I wrestle naked…