Come When Called: This is probably the first thing you’ll try to teach a dog. REMEMBER: Smart dogs do NOT come when they are called. They are exploring the world. Why should the dog come to you when you call it? It already KNOWS what you smell like.
Heel: Training a dog not to move forward or lag backward but stay by his owner at all times, staring blankly ahead like the first lady at a U. N. speech. Dogs can only learn this trick after a Marine Corps type training transforms them into Full Metal Jacket-type kill-bots. Their will is then an extension of the hive.
Sit: This is the easiest trick to teach a dog because they naturally sit when bored and your talking to them isn’t exactly raising the energy in the room.
Play Dead: Getting your dog to lie there, motionless, waiting for the go-ahead to be a dog again is a playful way to engage with your dog… or, if your dog is particularly good at it, to collect pet life insurance.
Speak: Getting your dog to bark on command just adds you to the list of “Birds, cats, dogs, cars, the washing machine, the vacuum cleaner, clocks, the mailman, the UPS man, that teenager who sticks fliers in your door” and other things your dog mindlessly barks at.
Beg: Dogs do NOT mind begging. They can beg for hours and then hang out with you without loss of dignity. They are a lot like televangelists.
Roll Over: It lightens my heart to see that joyous pink dog belly and the happy look and floppy ears. You think, though, that the roll over command would come in handy should the dog catch on fire (“Stop, Drop and Roll”). Sadly, a flaming dog pays little heed to your commands. It might beg, but only for a fire extinguisher…
Attack: The impulse to attack will come about naturally as you torture your dog for months trying to teach it to do tricks.
Go To Your Crate: This is just unspeakably cruel. This trick is a way of getting the dog to punish itself… like when I was a kid and had to cut a switch for my own spankings which, until hypnotherapy unearths something, “never happened”.
Handshake: Most dogs instinctively like to offer their paw. This is because, your hand is out there and, like most mammals, she doesn’t want to look stupid doing nothing. It can also be an invaluable trick should the dog go on job interviews.
Secret Handshake: This is only useful if the dog is also a Freemason.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I want a free willy dog 😊
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Sorry. Willy dogs can be quite expensive…
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Oh, nice come back 🙂
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Eh… maybe…
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That’s all well and good, but how do we stop Fido from drinking from the toilet?
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Stop flushing it entirely. He’ll get the message!
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Or start asking for crackers to go with his snack, and no one wants to see that.
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I’ve always thought my lab was doing something weird with her paw when she shakes my hand. She is probably just waiting to see if I am a Freemason too. I’m waiting for her to die from dysentery. I have kids that don’t flush and a dog that refuses to drink from a regular water bowl. So, just in case – never let the lab lick you on the face.
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We had two boxers who’d store the toilet water in their jowls and then rest their chins on your lap…
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My pug does that! Well, she can’t reach the toilet so she is a fresh water drinker, but when she rests her head on me, I’m like, “How much more do you have in there?!?”
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For a while we had an Old English Sheepdog called Oscar when I was a kid. It was particularly great for me since I was the youngest (and smallest) in the family and whenever one of my siblings tried to hit or push me, Oscar would leap to my defence and attack them. If only I had thought about that, I could have pretended that my siblings had pushed me and got Oscar to attack them on regular occasions…
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I think dogs are too smart to be fooled by that…
Our boxers had to be kept indoors when we played football with the other kids because, if they tackled us, they’d be on the kid in the blink of an eye. They didn’t bite them but they did make their intention known…
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…and the entire time, the dog is training you to give it free food.
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When it licks your face, it is trying to get you to regurgitate (like its mother). Boy are they surprised when you really do throw up…
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