Things that Fight for our Amusement

Dogs: I understand people’s condemnation of dog fighting. We love dogs. Dogs are man’s best friends. But, what if man wants to be entertained by watching two dogs fight to the death? A true friend would step up to the plate, right? I think the biggest problem people have with dog fights is that they show just how easy it would be for our own dogs to take us in a fair fight…

Chickens: There’s nothing more exhilarating than watching two roosters throw themselves at each other in a ring. In the wild, they fight until one of them leaves the other’s territory. When chickens fight for our amusement, they do so with stainless steel spurs attached to their legs to hurry things along because, for the spectators, their pickup trucks aren’t going to drunkenly crash themselves.

Fish: Anyone who’s ever owned an aquarium and watched it day after day thinking, “I wish one of these boring fish would flip out and attack the other fish” understands the appeal of Siamese Fighting Fish. They don’t tend to fight to the death but only until one of the fishes retreats… or the fish in the neighboring aquarium call the police on them.

Crickets: This has been a pastime in China for a thousand years. The antennae of the two battling insects are stimulated until they get very angry; then, they are put into a little enclosure to work things out. Cricket fights seldom result in death unless one uses an illegal choke-hold. The winner is cheered by the crowd. The loser is probably used as bait.

Beetles: A Japanese construct as are most weird things involving insects. Beetle fights are a lot rarer now that the Abbey Road album has been finished, however.

Robots: Building robots to fight each other? It has a lot of promise. Flame throwers, killer saws, drill bits… but, in practice, it’s just looks like two toy cars slamming into each other while nerds cheer like idiots.

People: This one is understandable. We all have at least one person we’d like to punch in the face. Why not live vicariously through some guy punching another in an enclosed ring and in their underwear. Living vicariously through the winner makes you feel great. I wish I knew why I live vicariously through the loser.

Mongooses/Cobras: Well, they ARE enemies. In their natural state, they live in the same region so they are bound to get on each other’s nerves. Plus, mongooses are very territorial, so they will challenge or fight any snake near their burrows… which I can understand because, once you let cobras in, you’ll soon be awash in Indian guys with flutes and nobody wants THAT. But, trying to create that conflict artificially is hard. What is the mongoose defending? I think if you give it a quarter interest in the side show it might be more motivated to fight.

Man/Kangaroo: This conflict shows up at fairgrounds and side-shows a lot. Someone from the audience will box a full-grown kangaroo; because, who DOESN’T want to get into a fight with a muscle-bound extraterrestrial rat? This fight is obviously not to the death; however, I’ve been playing with an idea of putting stainless steel spurs on the kangaroo. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t pay to see that.

Dogs/bulls/bears: Pitting one or more dogs against a bear, bear-baiting has an arbitrary sort of feel to it… as if they were just putting animals up against each other randomly and “dog vs. bear” came up right after “rhinoceros vs. crossing guard”.