A textbook on American Sign Language written in braille.
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Roll-off deodorant because sometimes I change my mind and want to get sweaty and stink.
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A zombie-dog like from Pet Semetary so, if I needed to board the dog while on vacation, I could just leave at a kill-shelter and, by the time they realized the dog wasn’t kill-able, I’d be back.
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A fifty-pound bag of zombie-dog-food.
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A plastic gun I can sneak past airport security so I can defend my window seat effectively.
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I’ve always thought hook-hands were pretty cool; so, I guess I wanted a stainless steel hook-hand… oh, and a cleaver and something I could use as a tourniquet.
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I wanted an orb of pure energy that sucks the souls and life essences from nearby people. I actually already have one but it gets lonely on the days I have to go to the office.
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An anatomically-correct Barbie doll… you know, with lungs and a spleen and maybe an endocrine system. I’d have also accepted a really small cadaver…
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A can of porcupine polish and a big box of bandaids.
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A complete set of Julia Roberts’ movies and a testosterone patch…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Tongs, you also need a pair of tongs.
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And what exactly would I need tongs for, Deb?
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To pick up things? Like the loose bolts your Frankenstein monster dropped while playing with his hula hoop
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Wasn’t Frankenstein’s monster more of a Slinky sort?
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And when you polish your porcupine? Make sure you use the good stuff. They get quite aggravated if you buy the generic brand.
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Actually, mine likes a brushed-nickel sort of appearance…
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You really don’t want a zombie dog. If they bite your relatives, they become zombies too, and then you don’t get that inheritance from Great-Aunt Maude. And what good is a dog if it WON’T bite your extended family?
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If I understand the science, Jay, zombie-dogs eat the brains of their victims leaving them unable to come back as zombies. Great Aunt Maude won’t stand a chance…
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I think I was thinking of vampire dogs. My apologies. 😀
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“I wanted an orb of pure energy that sucks the souls and life essences from nearby people. ”
I thought we don’t talk about politicians here…
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I was thinking more of physical chemistry professors…
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My initial thought was Jimmy Fallon, but physical chemistry professors probably wins.
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