- Ham, bacon and egg breakfasts made from incestuous animals. Call it, “Breakfast Inbred”. Still no response from Denny’s.
- A car that runs by draining the batteries of the cars all around it. Can call it, “The Mother-in-Law”…
- A television crime drama starring Fiona Apple as a detective who solves crimes by banging random chords out of a piano until the universe teleports the perpetrator into a jail cell on the condition that she stop doing that.
- A Terry Gilliam-directed version of The Glass Menagerie with Brad Pitt as the nightmarish soul-eating glass catheter and Annette Benning as the wise doctor with a horse skull for a head.
- A special Neapolitan ice cream with poisoned strawberry, poisoned chocolate and a vanilla section with the antidote.
- A cable channel to be watched on split screen with one of the jewelry shopping channels where someone calmly and rationally tries to talk you out of your idiotic purchase.
- Pythons specifically bred to perform fellatio.
- A datebook that gives its owner a powerful shock when they “flake”.
- Antacids flavored to taste like foods that give you heartburn.
- Sweetened Super-condensed Milk: One hundred and forty gallons compressed into an eleven-ounce can that weighs as much as a Dodge pickup truck. Could be useful when you need to make cookie bars for an entire town.
- A starter’s pistol with a grappling hook for races up the sides of buildings.
- Special lipstick and rouge for those occasions when you want your horse to look like a slut…
- Cross-training Cross Crosses: Crucifixes for athletes who get angry that they have nothing to pray to while cross-training.
- A van made out of fluoroscopes so people can see what is on the other side.
- A feature length Roadrunner cartoon with Brad Pitt as the nightmarish soul-eating glass catheter and Annette Benning as the wise doctor with a horse skull for a head. Terry Gilliam could direct…
- A pacemaker kill-switch for when the conversation gets just that unbearable…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 