Scents For the Twenty-first Century Nose

Machine Oil and Lemon: The taste of machine oil brings us back to the pre-verbal days when we were teething on refrigerator, stove and dishwasher. But, why the lemon? Because every toddler has been taken to a restaurant and handed a lemon wedge just to watch her face pinch up as she spits it out and puts it back in her mouth over and over. I know it happened to you and I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU. It is a universally-shared experience, like blowing into your dog’s face to watch it sneeze…

 

Mango and Zoo: Ah, the smell you experience when you are within a mile or so of the zoo. The bastard smell of a hundred different types of feces and it smells like NONE OF THEM. What’s the mango smell for? You’re telling me you don’t like the smell of mangoes? Freak!

 

Ozone and Fritos: Should appeal to the computer geek, although, to be safe, a hint of solder might be in order.

 

Wolf Urine and Cloves: A wonderful scent for anyone wanting to keep coyotes or feral dogs at bay. Why cloves? Because, if something does end up biting you, it is only polite that you should taste as good as possible.

 

Cedar and Slaughterhouse: Does anyone like the smell of a slaughterhouse? Probably not. But, they haven’t been TOLD to like it just yet. It’s like cheeses. There are some cheeses that taste like vomit with an after taste reminiscent of sucking on the beard of a goat. But, slap a huge price tag on a wedge and described the flavors as “earthy” and you won’t be able to keep it on the shelf. Cedar and Slaughterhouse is a scent that probably only the most sophisticated would enjoy. It has begun…

 

Sulfur and Mildew: Ever want your house to smell like Akron, Ohio or Jacksonville, Florida? This is your chance. The smell of decay and paper mills is just the thing to sharpen your focus and make you evaluate your life choices.

 

Molten Steel: You are a man who is tough and hard. Why not smell like something that is tough and hard? You are a manly man who gets the job done and who doesn’t have time for aftershave ads that throw out baseless compliments just to get you to buy their product. You are your own man. So, join the many independent men who use Molten Steel. Ask for it by name, you spineless zombie…

 

Bile and Rubbing Alcohol: For those with a nurse fetish or those nurses who just want to smell more like where they work. Also comes with fear pheromones added for those who want to smell like an inoculation clinic…

 

Maple Syrup and New Car Smell: A MacDonald’s breakfast dropped hotcake-first onto the back seat of the last new car you’ll buy in the next ten years. Finally! The scent of disappointment in a spray…

 

Talcum Powder and Farts: Grandma’s bathroom. Smell reminds us of prescription pills that were round, orange and just spectacular…

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