What simile should I use to describe a metaphor?
Circus clown is a fine occupation for people who both want to terrify children and die in a tent fire.
When we got married, my wife wanted to use her own name. So, I let her use it as a synonym for “tree”…
None of my friends would say that I have a domineering personality, at least not after I have had a few moments alone with them to “explain” my point of view.
If I were asked to choose a nationality to hate, I’d hate the nationality of the person who asked me to do that.
They told me there would be a cash bar at the wedding but all it did was provide alcohol to people for money.
When I’m talking to someone new, I always impersonate a Chinese guy by pulling my eyes into a slant and say, “So solly yes sah” over and over. If their mouths aren’t gaped open in horror, they probably aren’t the kind of people I want to be friends with.
If I were just an inch taller, I’d probably have a chance with Jennifer Aniston…
Am I the only one who’s noticed that Hallmark doesn’t have a line of greeting cards aimed at necrophiliacs?
Is spelunking a sport or just an elaborate way of killing yourself?
“Spud” is named after the tool used to harvest potatoes. Using that logic, we should call oranges “undocumented Mexican laborers”…
Conspiracy to commit a misdemeanor is a felony. That means, if a petty crime needs to be committed, DO IT YOURSELF…
Is it false advertising when a restaurant promises a “salad bar” and it turns out to be lettuce, radishes and spinach compressed under high pressure into a block?
Some people say that the Platonic ideal is unattainable, but I think Pop-tarts are as good as they are ever going to get…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Wonderful as always.
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Thanks so much.
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