Random Thoughts: Now with 25% Less Fat

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What simile should I use to describe a metaphor?

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Circus clown is a fine occupation for people who both want to terrify children and die in a tent fire.

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When we got married, my wife wanted to use her own name. So, I let her use it as a synonym for “tree”…

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None of my friends would say that I have a domineering personality, at least not after I have had a few moments alone with them to “explain” my point of view.

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If I were asked to choose a nationality to hate, I’d hate the nationality of the person who asked me to do that.

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They told me there would be a cash bar at the wedding but all it did was provide alcohol to people for money.

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When I’m talking to someone new, I always impersonate a Chinese guy by pulling my eyes into a slant and say, “So solly yes sah” over and over. If their mouths aren’t gaped open in horror, they probably aren’t the kind of people I want to be friends with.

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If I were just an inch taller, I’d probably have a chance with Jennifer Aniston…

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Am I the only one who’s noticed that Hallmark doesn’t have a line of greeting cards aimed at necrophiliacs?

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Is spelunking a sport or just an elaborate way of killing yourself?

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Spud” is named after the tool used to harvest potatoes. Using that logic, we should call oranges “undocumented Mexican laborers”…

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Conspiracy to commit a misdemeanor is a felony. That means, if a petty crime needs to be committed, DO IT YOURSELF…

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Is it false advertising when a restaurant promises a “salad bar” and it turns out to be lettuce, radishes and spinach compressed under high pressure into a block?

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Some people say that the Platonic ideal is unattainable, but I think Pop-tarts are as good as they are ever going to get…

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