Advice I Gave to my Son

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After marriage, your wife WILL get a lot fatter… unless she’s a vegan, in which case she will get a LOT crazier.

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Learn a sport, like basketball or football, and play it well into middle-age; because, doctors who replace knees need to eat too.

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Changing your own oil is easy and saves you money. The hard part is getting your radiator back in…

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Marry a woman just like your mother because, if it turns out they are related, you’ll only have to attend one family reunion a year.

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The amount of love in your house increases proportionally with each child you have. Noise and stress increase exponentially.

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Learn how to make cold leek soup. That way, if one of your coworkers is organizing a potluck, you can tell them that you make a cold leek soup and they’ll let you bring the napkins and plastic forks.

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If you tell yourself that failure is NOT an option, you may be surprised to find out that it is…

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Never share a single-wide trailer with an arsonist.

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Do NOT use drugs just because your friends think it is cool. Only use them if YOU think it’s cool…

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Never have unprotected sex with a woman whose family retains its own lawyer.

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When you go to a new school, make a name for yourself: Find the toughest, meanest and biggest kid, walk right up to him and tell him you’ll do his homework for him.

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Remember: Every mistake makes you wiser, stronger and less likely to get a security clearance…

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10 thoughts on “Advice I Gave to my Son

      1. Actually, after reading your list on reasons not to respond to a call/text, I felt kind of threatened. A little more humor in it and I’d be obsolete…

        Like

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