Books By Successful Authors that Failed Utterly

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The Da Vinci Cod by Dan Brown: Symbologist Robert Langdon scours the western world for a fish whose face looks like the Mona Lisa. The fish supposedly grants wishes. A shadowy albino character also seeks the elusive magic fish… with the intent to KEEP WISHING FOR MORE WISHES. The climax of the book was so uninspired that Brown had it moved to the book’s index in all subsequent editions…

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Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Jeckyll: Robert Louis Stevenson’s not particularly chilling tale of a man who develops a potion that splits his personality into two parts: The pleasant and kind physician, Dr. Jeckyll; and, the pleasant and kind person he becomes when he isn’t working.

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As You Like the Taming of Titus Andronicus by William Shakespeare: Even the famous playwright was compelled to admit that he bit off more than he could chew with that one. “There’s enough in there for THREE plays”, he lamented to his friends. Historians agree that this was the first and last “Cannibal Comedy” until Eating Raul was produced in 1982.

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Portrait of the Artist as a Pre-viable Embryo by James Joyce: Told from the point of view of a fetus that has never experienced anything but his mother’s heartbeat. Less eventful than Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man but only barely…

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The Nine Hour Manager by Kenneth Blanchard. Blanchard’s first attempt did not get many takers; however, his next book told the readers what they wanted to hear and The One Minute Manager was a runaway success.

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The Big Fictitious Giant by Raold Dahl: Although it is true that Dahl tends to go dark when he writes, this was a little darker than anyone was ready for. The orphan Sophie sees a giant that no one else can see. The giant leaves a trail of bodies behind him that have the police baffled. Turns out, there is no giant and Sophie is a violent schizophrenic sociopath. Oh, and she’s not even a little girl… just some truck driver who likes to wear his dead mother’s clothes. Not palatable as a children’s book or as a horror novel; it is stomach-turning regardless of your tastes; consequently, actor Johnny Depp is trying desperately to buy the movie rights…

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Potatoes by Alex Haley: Haley’s less successful saga of a family that arrived as slave holders, became overseers and eventually became rich enough to move to a segregated neighborhood has been all but forgotten by his fans. Producers were set to make it a mini-series in 1970 with five of the Osmond brothers; however, the project was canceled when they realized that they didn’t know what a mini-series was, yet…

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1951 by George Orwell: It was set in the not too distant future, so very little had changed. Orwell forecasts a bleak existence where the cost of a license to own a radio goes up by thirty percent. And, after a harrowing weekend at the seaside, Winston Smith finally learns to love his big brother…

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Make Your Man a Sandwich by Betty Friedan: Don’t blame Ms. Friedan for this one. Feminism was still in its infancy and they didn’t really know which way they were going with it.

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Thus Sat Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche: Nietzsche was not keeping things together when he penned this one. It is mostly a collection of bad poetry with two chapters devoted to a single-spaced diatribe about American president Chester Arthur. Historians tend to blame the philosopher’s syphilis for this one.

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Dream Your Way to Tighter Abs by Carl Jung: Critics complain that most of Carl Jung’s work is too abstract to be useful. This book is the contradiction that proves the rule or some expression equally obtuse. The book promises a lean toned look based upon application of dream symbolism; however, it kind of falls apart when he contends that rowing machines indicate a subconscious need to return to the womb.

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