Injuries and Ailments that I LOVE

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Slamming Thumb in Car Door: Often one’s first real injury. You don’t feel it at first because there’s kind of a shock involved. But, after the tears and pain, you’ve got a black fingernail to show your friends and, when it falls off, to throw at girls.

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Cold: My voice is weak and reedy. It’s a lot like Mike Tyson trying to impersonate Neil Sedaka who is trying to impersonate Chief Dan George. A cold gives me a manly voice that I wish would stick around after the illness long enough to have seduced my wife.

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Chicken Pox: A low-grade fever and a chance to stay home from school AND watch television… DURING THE DAY! Not only that, but the pustules all over your body are fun to squeeze and prepare you for adolescent acne…

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Any Cut Across my Chest: Remember the Bruce Lee posters from Enter the Dragon? His chest was slashed and bleeding from the slash of a prosthetic razor hand because, everyone needs a prosthetic razor hand. As a teenager, I tried cutting my chest to look more manly but all I got was a trip to a shrink…

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Black Eye: If you have a black eye, don’t skulk around the office like a refugee. If you treat it like no big deal, you come off as a tough guy and not someone who fell into a door knob while putting on his pants…

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Broken Knuckle: Like a black eye, a broken knuckle makes you seem like a dangerous guy whose philosophy is that any problem, given enough time, can be punched to death. Women really dig tough guys… or just the opposite… I’ve actually given up on trying to figure out women…

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Whooping Cough: Okay, I don’t like the disease… but I do like all the attention when I make a noise like a wounded smoke detector.

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Broken Leg: No chores… visits from friends with magic markers. A moment of pain for six weeks of sloth. I’ll make that trade any day…

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Kidney Stones: The worst pain you can have and that makes you superior to EVERYONE in a “Whose Had the Worst Pain” competition. If you are so inclined, you can go to the emergency room and get the best pain killers they have… stuff so powerful, it makes morphine hang its wimpy head in shame. If you DON’T want to spend five thousand dollars at the ER, you can be a stoic and make sure everyone knows how much you aren’t talking about the pain.

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Amnesia: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it’s the temporary nature of amnesia. A hit on the head takes the memories away… another brings it back. It’s like changing channels on the television. Most of us have things we’d like to forget; ironically, many of the things I’d like to forget involve the Flintstones…

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17 thoughts on “Injuries and Ailments that I LOVE

    1. One of my other followers postulated that I hated everything, so I came up with two lists of things I loved just to move away from the dark side.

      As a mother, you must see a whole bunch of injuries, Robyn…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Kidney stones are the worst pain ever, hey??? Childbirth … remember that one. You wouldn’t be here without it and I bet there wasn’t a lot of pain medication round when you were born … Mr. Ungrateful

    Liked by 1 person

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