[Thanks again to Deb Whittam for the idea]
A snake can be used to unstop a kitchen drain should it be clogged with mice or birds.
You can use a snake as an alibi. Certainly, it won’t hold the weight of the testimony of a human being; but, no one is going to spend a lot of time challenging their story, either.
If you fill a snake’s venom sac with measles vaccine, you can inoculate people against their will.
A snake can be used as a makeshift eel impersonator.
A snake makes a dandy automatic tape-measure. Simply multiply its length by the number of somersaults it makes from point A to point B.
Some woodsmen know this one: If you fill a garter snake with iron filings, it will align itself to magnetic North.
This one I recently learned: A snake can be used to frighten Fiona Apple into appearing at your child’s birthday party. Also, a snake can be used to frighten your child into agreeing to have Fiona Apple appear at her party.
A handful of baby garter snakes will keep your garbage disposal smelling fresh and clean… I assume…
A snake can be used to run a small company. If it does a good job, it doesn’t mind getting paid in lab rats. If it doesn’t fare well, just turn up the air conditioning until it freezes to death and replace it with that iguana that you wanted in the first place…
There is a lot of pharmaceutical research into using snake venoms in medical treatments. Unfortunately, there aren’t many medical conditions that are treated with agonizing death via nervous system shutdown.