Catlyn Jenner: Man, woman, spirit of the undead… I don’t care what you call her. Her life is a train-wreck and train wrecks are only interesting if they don’t happen on a daily basis.
A Comet Hitting the Earth: Blah blah blah… all life as we know it gone. I don’t have time to worry about it; besides, everything tearing into the Earth from space lately seems to be landing in Russia so what do I care?
My hair falling out: Well, it happened and the world didn’t come to an end… my romantic life did; but, if I really wanted, I could find a Russian bride on the internet, hopefully before she’s vaporized by a comet.
Losing My House: Been there, lost that. Less embarrassing than I thought it would be; and, it would’ve been even less humiliating if I hadn’t insisted on wearing a dress and floral bonnet while we were moving our furniture out.
Losing a Physical Encounter: There are alpha males, beta males and me. I’m the wolf that goes door to door hoping to get a cushy job watching someone’s livestock. Yes, I was born free, but that doesn’t mean I have to live free.
New Batman Movies: At least with James Bond, the actors stuck around for five or six movies. Batman seems to be cast as whatever actor is sitting idle at the studio. And, if an actor isn’t available, Ben Affleck.
Whales: I used to think whales deserved a chance; but, now I can see that they are nothing but oafish foul-smelling make-believe fish and if the Japanese want to spear them, I’ll gladly pin one to the dock with my boat.
The Border: I don’t care if everyone from Central America comes here to live. Open borders only mean one thing to me: I can successfully get out of the country if I need to.
Shivering dogs and cats in that stupid commercial: I felt sympathy at first but after three years of watching abused dogs shivering in the snow and abused cats doing whatever it is that abused cats do, I feel manipulated and wronged. We got the first group of you out of bondage… now, it’s up to YOU to rescue your brothers and sisters…
Life Insurance: The last thing I want my kids to say is, “Well, after dad died, my life REALLY started to get better”