Ask a Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog Part 4: The Doggening of David Dogg

Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog,

We’ve just had our second child, who doesn’t look like me; and, now my wife is trying to convince me that Chinese is a recessive gene. She makes a compelling argument, but I’m a little skeptical.

San Francisco Dad of Two (?)

Dear Dad, You are right to be skeptical. The blame obviously falls upon you. You must’ve been unfaithful to your wife with a woman of Chinese descent and one of her eggs detached and was later transferred to your wife’s womb. Apologize to your wife and maybe she’ll forgive you. Also, apologize to the Chinese woman for forgetting about your tryst and for the Ally’s hesitation in stopping the Japanese invasion of Nanking.

Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog,

My daughter has been asking for a pony for years. I finally got her one and she LOVES it, but, because we live in a two-bedroom apartment, space is at a premium and things are getting tense. Should I get rid of the pony? If so, what should I tell my daughter?

Pushover in Fort Worth

Dear Fort, You bought her the pony and it would be cruel to get rid of it, now. I recommend that, instead, you get rid of your daughter. If she cannot maintain a pony in a two-bedroom apartment, she’s dragging you down. Cut her loose…

Dear Genetically-Intelligent Super Dog,

I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. What should I do?

Dear Name Mangler: Get out more…

Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog,

I’m getting married in a few days and I’ve contracted conjunctivitis in my right eye. I don’t want to delay the wedding but I also don’t want my family and friends recounting that I got married with pink eye. What should I do?

Wit’s End in Winnipeg

Dear End: Try to get conjunctivitis in your other eye, then just tell everyone that your aunt died…

Confidential to Not Laughing in Birmingham: Even if your husband DOES have small pox, and he probably doesn’t, it is still not a good reason for cleaning out your savings and buying a snowmobile…