Ask a Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog, Part ?

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

Can you play dead? And, are you a good dog? Who’s a good dog? WHO’S a good DOG?

Enthusiastic in Jasto

Dear Jasto,

Good and evil are subjective constructs; however, I did fake my death in Cancun seven years ago for the insurance money.

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

I feel like I’m just a pawn in the game of life; but, my friends say that I’m more of a rook because I can move back and forth and side-to-side but when I move diagonally, my pointed hat falls off. My question to you is, can I take that tag off of the mattress after I buy it?

Checkered Past in a Chess World

Dear Checkers,

Ever since WWI, every mattress sold has an explosive in it, in case our country is ever invaded. The tag is the fuse. The idea is to light the tag, then throw the mattress at the enemy like a grenade. If you take off the tag, we will be defenseless as a nation and it will be mostly your fault.

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

Recently, before the Covid 19 panic, I took a second mortgage and purchased fifty-thousand rolls of toilet paper. Sadly, I cannot use these rolls since I can no longer get into what, for the time being, is my house. My wife, daughter and I have been sleeping in the garage, on the rolls and, every third night, on the oil spot in the middle of the floor. My wife would like to leave me but doesn’t want to violate the stay at home order. My daughter was nearly crushed under three hundred pounds of “squeezably soft” product when she rolled too far over and upset one of the pallets. My family tells me I’m an idiot, but they’ll change their tunes when the quarantine lasts more than forty years. I figure I should be able to get back into my house and bathroom in less than ten years… eight if we take in a lot of roughage. How do I convince my family that I am right?

T. P. in TN

Dear TP,

Genetic scientists… the same ones who gave me super-intelligence, are currently working on ways of getting various animals to grow wings and fly. When their results include domestic pigs, THAT will be when your family will admit your genius…

Confidential to Annoyed,

BOO!!! I hope that takes care of your hiccups…