I was debating with my lawyer the concept of a free will but he told me I have to pay for mine like everyone else.
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My father always said, “Not having a Y chromosome doesn’t make you any less of a man”
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Whenever I see a roast chicken that has been tied up with cooking twine, I can’t shake the feeling that the bird wasn’t quite dead when they put it into the oven.
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I developed an app that tells you, in miles, how far away the nearest isthmus is. It is NOT selling well but I think if I also give the distance in kilometers, it should.
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The thought of dying alone terrifies me because I might want to fold some sheets in my last moments.
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I’ve stipulated that, after I’m dead, that no one take a DNA sample from me so that they can splice my genes into a bison embryo to create a godless monster that lives in constant pain and just begs for its life to be over because I won’t be able to play an active part in its upbringing.
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I walked by an unlocked car and saw the keys dangling in the ignition. With a moment’s hesitation I got in, started it up and drove off with it. In the back were containers of crickets, worms and minnows… my first indicator that I’d stolen a bait car.
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You can learn everything you need to know by watching children play together… except differential calculus and plumbing… those you can learn by watching ants in a jar.
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I’ve started spending more time on Twitter ever since someone told me that raw naked hatred is an aerobic exercise.
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Ornithologists claim that the owl is no wiser than any other bird; it’s just better at steering the conversation to topics it knows a lot about.
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I want an owl … and a llama … and a unicorn
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You are such a GIRL!
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Umm, yes but at least I didn’t add a bunny rabbit 😝
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I just want a unicorn, or a dragon.
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Dragons look cute when they are young but they grow up… and their droppings are enormous…
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Good compost 😊
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I forgot about dragons. Silky me 😊
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I’ve had the same thought when I see a roasted animal hanging from cooking twine. Then I follow up that thought with, “Ewww….”
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Sometimes, they even manage to get one leg free…
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You mean my Sunday dinner was roasted against its will?
😳
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Would you really want to eat an animal depressed enough to want to be eaten?
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Suicidal chicken? Maybe you’re right…
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My car has a steering owl, but instead of a toot, it gives a hoot. Wise-ass owl.
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You’re just getting me back for my “ort-her” comment, earlier…
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Loved the chromosome line!
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As a lover of maps, this is isthmus thing actually seem interesting
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My son’s a geography nut. He also knows most of the flags. I’d like to say that he hasn’t wasted his life but I pretty much proved that wrong with my first two sentences…
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