I was debating with my lawyer the concept of a free will but he told me I have to pay for mine like everyone else.
☻
My father always said, “Not having a Y chromosome doesn’t make you any less of a man”
☻
Whenever I see a roast chicken that has been tied up with cooking twine, I can’t shake the feeling that the bird wasn’t quite dead when they put it into the oven.
☻
I developed an app that tells you, in miles, how far away the nearest isthmus is. It is NOT selling well but I think if I also give the distance in kilometers, it should.
☻
The thought of dying alone terrifies me because I might want to fold some sheets in my last moments.
☻
I’ve stipulated that, after I’m dead, that no one take a DNA sample from me so that they can splice my genes into a bison embryo to create a godless monster that lives in constant pain and just begs for its life to be over because I won’t be able to play an active part in its upbringing.
☻
I walked by an unlocked car and saw the keys dangling in the ignition. With a moment’s hesitation I got in, started it up and drove off with it. In the back were containers of crickets, worms and minnows… my first indicator that I’d stolen a bait car.
☻
You can learn everything you need to know by watching children play together… except differential calculus and plumbing… those you can learn by watching ants in a jar.
☻
I’ve started spending more time on Twitter ever since someone told me that raw naked hatred is an aerobic exercise.
☻
Ornithologists claim that the owl is no wiser than any other bird; it’s just better at steering the conversation to topics it knows a lot about.
☻
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I want an owl … and a llama … and a unicorn
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are such a GIRL!
LikeLike
Umm, yes but at least I didn’t add a bunny rabbit 😝
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just want a unicorn, or a dragon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dragons look cute when they are young but they grow up… and their droppings are enormous…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good compost 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
I forgot about dragons. Silky me 😊
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’ve had the same thought when I see a roasted animal hanging from cooking twine. Then I follow up that thought with, “Ewww….”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sometimes, they even manage to get one leg free…
LikeLiked by 1 person
You mean my Sunday dinner was roasted against its will?
😳
LikeLiked by 2 people
Would you really want to eat an animal depressed enough to want to be eaten?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Suicidal chicken? Maybe you’re right…
LikeLiked by 1 person
My car has a steering owl, but instead of a toot, it gives a hoot. Wise-ass owl.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re just getting me back for my “ort-her” comment, earlier…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Loved the chromosome line!
LikeLiked by 1 person
As a lover of maps, this is isthmus thing actually seem interesting
LikeLiked by 1 person
My son’s a geography nut. He also knows most of the flags. I’d like to say that he hasn’t wasted his life but I pretty much proved that wrong with my first two sentences…
LikeLike