Like the flu, or junk mail, here is another list that you’ve been given but never asked for. Do not judge me too harshly… mostly because I can be REALLY vindictive…
Q. What species of animal can move the fastest?
A. That depends entirely upon how aerodynamic it is and what type of cannon it is being fired out of.
Q. Have they found a use for prime numbers, yet?
A. Some medical pathologists think they can be used to cure ear infections, but don’t get your hopes up. They are mostly used to keep mathematicians busy so they don’t use their brains to make death rays or viruses that only kill one gender in some insane attempt at revenge for the raw deal that life has given him–Oh look! An Abelian group.
Q. What is the best idea any architect has had in the last twenty years?
A. To move up and down the median when begging for spare change at an intersection.
Q. What is the universe made of?
A. Scientists know that the universe is partly comprised of sugar and spice and everything nice, as well as snips, snails and puppy dog tails; because boys and girls are part of the universe, by chain argument, those also must be components… oh, and some hydrogen, I’d imagine…
Q. Has science discovered exactly what it is that makes us human?
A. Yes. Turns out, it’s toilet paper and deep fryers…
Q. When will they cure cancer?
A. Just as soon as medical science manages to create a NEW horrific medical condition that requires dump trucks full of money to treat.
Q. What’s new in the field of geology?
A. Well, geologists have discovered a new continent. You’d think that you’d have heard about something like that, but the lost continent is under the ocean. TECHNICALLY it is a continent; and, technically, Necco Wafers are edible. Anyway, aside from that, nothing is new. Actually, INCLUDING that, nothing is really new. It is yet another disappointment from a field of study that is, by and large, a disappointing field of study.
Q. So, they’ve determined the mass of the W Boson. Now what?
A. Well, along with that discovery, if they can also find a use for turkey wings, we’ll be entering another golden age, the last one being that three year period after we, as a species, discovered lip gloss…
Q. Are paleontologists still finding new species?
A. Funny you should ask. They just found the fossil of an extinct fish called Candelarhynchus padillai, in a flagstone in Raquira Boyaca, Colombia. The species was not particularly special, has no living relatives, and literally no relevance to the lives of anyone or anything that exists today. Very much like paleontologists…
Q. Will there ever be quantum computers?
A. There will HAVE to be; otherwise, we’ll be forced to use computers that can only perform complex algorithms that just give us an answer. I predict that the quantum computer will be the first human advancement to both change everything and be a big disappointment at the same time. Fingers cruxed…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 