Many households with children have at least two of the child’s parents working. Sometimes, even the tropical fish have to pitch in and make a few bucks for the family… mostly commission work. Daycare is expensive and scary and, more often then not, organized into some kind of toddler “Fight Club”, with weight classifications and barely clad girls indicating the round number. Fortunately, I have ideas that can help…
Breed super-intelligent dogs to watch our nation’s children. Yes, I KNOW that super-intelligent dogs are my solution to most of life’s problems, but in this case, it isn’t half crazy…
Lower the age of military service to six months old and your toddler is suddenly the Army’s problem.
Allow parents to keep their children in dog crates at their offices.
Amass all toddlers that need tending in one spot and give them a thousand typewriters to bang on. The law of probability says that, eventually, the best-sellers they’ll create will pay for their care…
Send your child to the free childcare service, BabyCare, a division of Monsanto. Try not to speculate on exactly what is going on in there.
Convince Tibetan Buddhists that your child is the reincarnation of the Revered One and you can go to work each day knowing he’s getting the best of care.
Bathroom… toys… mini-fridge… shock-collar. Use your imagination…
Remember that, if you have to license daycare, only those with daycare licenses will provide daycare. If I had worded it the way I wanted to, that first sentence would’ve TERRIFIED you.
If the Matrix has taught us anything it is that children, raised in pods full of amniotic fluid make an effective power source… somehow…
Pay YOURSELF a living wage to watch your OWN child using your OWN currency, created at your neighborhood Kinko’s. Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, but so did Bitcoin…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I’m particularly fond of the barrel method of raising children. Hmm… momma Internet is not playing ball today… it works best in person, but essentially it goes like this:
Me: “When the child is born, you put it in a barrel and feed it through the bunghole. Then, if it reaches the grand old age of 18…”
[pause, as though for dramatic effect]
You: “… you let it out?”
Me: “… you drive the bung in.”
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Well, THAT got an LOL out of me.
Sounds like an idea I had for “bonsai children” but I was told that no part of it wasn’t unnecessarily cruel…
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When I can untangle the double negatives I might not respond to that one!
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Sorry. The double negative was purely intentional…
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