Best Names/Worst Names

Cars: For a car name to be good, it has to be an animal’s name. For a car name to be great, it needs to be a vicious animal. To be the best name, it HAS to be two vicious animals. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Stutz’s “Bearcat”. It’ll definitely do until someone produces a car called the “Tigercobra”. Worst name for an automobile? Hyundai’s “Accent”. Because nothing says raw power like talking funny.

State: Best state name? “Massachusetts”. Just a solid name with some double letters and a decent amount of syllables. “Mississippi” and “Missouri” look like entrees on a menu in Pakistan. They aren’t close to the worst, but I’m just explaining why they didn’t make the cut. The worst state name is “Utah”, which doesn’t even seem like it should be a word… more like something someone murmurs just before dying…

Animal: Even with swell animal names like “alpaca”, “razorback hog” and “death adder”, the one that stands alone is “Tasmanian devil”. And, its name is well deserved because it DOES, in fact, live in Tasmania. The worst animal name is “mole”… the name of a traitorous spy, a Mexican sauce and a precancerous growth is probably suitable for what is essentially a visually handicapped rat.

Girls’ Names: The best girl’s name is “Amanda”. It ends in an ‘a’, so it is universally feminine; it can be clearly said, even with a mouth full of baby carrots; and, it contains the word “man”, if you’re into that kind of thing. The worst girl’s name is “Gretchen”, chock-full of hard consonants with the word “retch” in full view of anyone who reads it.

Country: There are a LOT of great country names. I don’t know why rural folks name their children after U.S. States when country names are MUCH cooler. “Zimbabwe”’s pretty cool. “Madagascar” is a name that would sound great on ANY planet… even “Turkmenistan” makes my tongue happy… but, there can only be one winner and that winner is “Malaysia”. It is a comforting name, due to containing both the words “malaise” and “lazy”. The worst name is in a class by itself: “Bosnia and Herzegovina”. Sounds like an ethnic buddy-cop show from the seventies…

Presidents: The best president’s name, ironically enough, is “Richard Nixon”. You’ve got that partial vowel rhyme and that scandalous ‘x’. Say what you like about the man, but that will be the best president name for the foreseeable future, now that Brett Sharply has retired from politics. “Chester Arthur” was a close second because the name is so smooth, you can say it name all night long. In laboratory experiments, repeating “Chester Arthur” over and over has induced hibernation states in rabbits. The worst name ironically has been used twice: “George Bush”. Even if we ignore the sordid double meaning of that last name, the name “George” brings back thoughts of our British oppressor, two-hundred and fifty years ago. IT IS STILL TOO SOON!!!

Movie: Best movie name is clearly, “Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs”. It is mostly Vincent Price and a couple dozen robot girls in bikinis who explode (if you must know). It is a perfect movie name because you will never see another title that looks anything like it. It is unique and so very beautiful… The worst name for a movie: “HUD”…

Superhero: Most superhero names are just awful. For the majority of them, they are simply a noun in front of some gender-ed human synonym, like “Batman”, “Supergirl” or “Iron Man”. Sometimes they omit gender altogether as with “Swamp Thing”. I’d have to say that the best superhero name is “Sue Storm”, narrowly beating out “Storm” because alliteration. The worst superhero name is also the very worst superhero: “Green Lantern”. It violates the most sacred of superhero naming rules: Never name a hero after something you can order out of an Ikea catalog…

Diseases and conditions: There are some great disease names out there. “Measles” has a nice ring to it. “Eczema” sounds incredibly sexy until you find out what it is. But, the best of all is a condition called “Chilblaines”… sounds like something an elderly Dickens character might complain about to little Nell or David Copperfield. The worst medical condition name is “scabies”, a name so ugly that I had to wash my hands after typing it, so good luck getting me to repeat it. Oddly enough, because it rhymes with “babies” and “rabies”, it is a perfect word for limericks. What’s the best medical condition word for haiku? “Catalepsy”… duh.

Body of Water: Best body of water name? “The Dead Sea”. I don’t even have to explain why. It’s obvious. Worst body of water name? “Lake George”… because it is STILL TOO SOON!

Food: The best name for a food? “Vichyssoise”. It rolls off the tongue like cold potato soup lays in the bowl until the next course. Worst name for a food? “Crab”. Surely, one of our more delicious insects, but ending a word with a ‘b’ is like naming your son “Stanley”: No good will ever come of it.