For Sale: The Root of All Evil

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How can we make United States currency more popular? It USED to be very popular… the preferred money of black marketers and prostitutes of all nations great and small. But, those were our glory days. Over the last four decades, we’ve tried everything to SELL the love of the dollar: We took the plainest most unpleasant-looking woman in US history and put her image on a dollar coin which, for some reason, we made to look like a quarter. We tried again with a cartoon Native American girl on what looked and felt like a Chuck E. Cheez token. Then, we tried making commemorative quarters… one for each state… little realizing that people were going to just throw away the New Jersey and Delaware ones to reduce the risk of touching them…

WHO comes up with these ideas? Very wealthy people who have literally no connection with American currency. Their wealth is electronic… in Swiss francs, Japanese yen, Spanish pesos and German potato salad. Our country needs advice from people that know currency. I can still remember a time when I went to the local store with a quarter and came back with four candy bars, ten pieces of bubble gum, wax lips AND the same quarter. YES, I was shoplifting, that you for asking…

But, if I had to make hard American cash more desirable, I think I’d do something like this:


Pass a federal law to make all guns, televisions and iPhones coin-operated.

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Sex sells… but you have to be subtle: Tell Americans that, if they use hard currency instead of say credit or bank cards, they will have sex. When nothing happens and the inevitable complaints come, tell them that they already HAD sex and must’ve forgotten. Worked for my ex and me.

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Issue currency with bar codes on it so the grocer can just scan your money after scanning your groceries. There’ll be the added pleasure of turning a moderately-paying job that requires some skill and intelligence into something a dog could be trained to do…

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Mint foreign currencies at the US Treasury so that travelers won’t have to exchange when they arrive. Any confusion this might cause can be avoided by making US versions of say, the peso, smell like cheeseburgers.

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Coat bills with powerful opiates that absorb through the skin so that, when people aren’t using them, they get very ill.

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Create flip-book animations out of successive ten dollar bills so that people will want to collect the whole set. The cartoon could even be manga to attract younger, hipper spenders. I’ve been told that manga is like Archie comics except manga is more violent, instead of Archie there are boobs and, instead of being set at Riverdale High School, there are more boobs.

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To give the public more confidence in our hard currency, stamp the words “BITCOIN” on all nickels leaving the mint…

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Add robotic legs to money so that, after a robbery, the money can eventually walk back.

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Give every five dollar bill a value of $6.50, so that a person can spend that five on a small coffee and get the same bill back in change.

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