Things You Can Do After You Stop Trying to Impress People

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You can order a drink that tastes good, like a girl-drink, instead of straight-shots of single malt stuff that tastes like something kept in an IV bag in a trauma ward.

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You can keep your car until it dies a natural death from old age.

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You can quit holding it in and let your belly relax onto your lap like an exhausted toddler after a hot day at the zoo.

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You can stop lying about what you do for a living and concentrate on lying about how much you earn.

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You can stop watching movies with Oscar-winning acting, directing and cinematography and concentrate on kung-fu movies, slasher flicks and goat porn.

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You can finally just admit that, after years of trying, you’ll NEVER figure out what existentialism is.

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You can lose the arm candy with the vacuous laugh and get a plainer girl who can change a tire and can tell you what existentialism is.

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You can wear black socks with your shorts and sandals… but, for God’s sake, DON’T.

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You can changed your “I punched Henry Kissinger in the nose” anecdote for the more accurate, “I saw Henry Kissinger get into a car once”.

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You can admit that, YES, you listen to Aqua… and not just “Barbie Girl”…

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You can admit that you have no knowledge of car repair and any power tool you try to use will probably end up being Exhibit A in your manslaughter trial.

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You can quit looking aloof and cool and go with needy and strange.

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You can finally be at peace with the fact that, when you try to dance, you look like a bison having a stroke…

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6 thoughts on “Things You Can Do After You Stop Trying to Impress People

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