National Depression Screening Day (October 11th ): Usually observed by sitting in a dark room watching television with the sound off.
World Circumcision Day (January 1st ): Celebrated with the eating of a hot dog with half a pancake wrapped around it.
Feast of the Ascension (varies): Like any other day, except dinner is served on the roof or a treetop.
Canadian Thanksgiving (varies): Celebrated like American Thanksgiving except, instead of turkey, they eat cheese curds, french fries and gravy and, instead of stuffing they eat cheese curds, french fries and gravy.
National Watermelon Day (August 3rd ): Celebrated with a brisk orgy, a lot of drinking and finished off with a singing of the “Watermelon Song”… at least MINE was…
Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19th ): Celebrated by punching the first person you meet who talks to you like a pirate.
Columbus Day (varies): Celebrated by waiting for the bus, realizing that all buses are on holiday schedule and then spending the rest of your commute wondering if your workplace is closed.
Lunar New Year (varies): Celebrated by going to a Chinese restaurant, seeing that they are closed and then trying to convince your kids that Arby’s is just as good.
Yom Kippur (varies): Celebrated by non-Jewish people saying “Happy Yam Kippers!” to their Jewish friends and then asking if there’s going to be a party.
Suffrage Day (August 26th ): A celebration of women and their achievements. Honoring the fairer sex and their contribution to society. It’s called “Suffrage Day” because of all the men who have to suffer through such nonsense…