Pug: At one point in dog history, someone said, “I’m tired of dogs that look and act like dogs. Let’s create a breed that looks and acts like a surprised indignant old woman. Oh, and wasn’t it a shame about King Charles…” Here’s a tip: If it cannot jump off the couch without breaking a hip, it shouldn’t qualify as a dog.
Chow: If I wanted a stubborn, independent and randomly dangerous dog, I would’ve purchased a mountain lion. Chows don’t care about you or anything that isn’t you. Chows are the Vulcans of the dog world, only showing emotion and love every seven years in a killing spree that leaves no one particularly satisfied.
Greyhound: They are fast, I’ll grant you. And, dog races can be exciting until you come to the realization that you just bet your daughter’s college fund on something with a brain the size of a ferret’s.
Dachshund: A Dachshund is a bad tempered stupid dog that doesn’t realize it is outclassed by the boxer next door until it hears its own spine snap. Like a tiger, it has no fear; unlike a tiger, it really really should. Plus, it takes about fifteen tries to spell the name properly.
Rottweiler: I always felt that, in a one-on-one fight, I could take a Doberman; however, Rottweilers make Doberman’s look like a toy breed; moreover, while a Doberman uses its wits, a Rottweiler relies on a mix of bad judgment and blind rage. Rottweilers were bred, not so much for protection, but to be our malevolent overlords when the animals rise up. Fortunately, fewer people are buying them as pets so they are taking other work, mostly as bears in state parks.
Dalmatian: What can you say about Dalmatians? They have spots. If that’s all you’re looking for in a mammal and you don’t mind deafness, kidney stones and bite-marks on your children, the Dalmatian is the dog for you.
Bloodhound: On the surface, a fine dog and well bred. Also, there was one on The Beverly Hillbillies, so you know they photograph well. Using their amazing sense of smell, they seek out and find escapees. And, that is why I find it difficult not to hate what is, essentially, a furry narc.
Chihuahua: WHO BUYS THESE THINGS? WHAT POSSIBLE FUNCTION DID THEY EVER SERVE? All these dogs know how to do is yap, back away from what they are yapping at and stand in front of a camera for a Taco Bell commercial. BTW, if a dog with a brain the size of a watch battery likes Taco Bell, that doesn’t exactly cinch it for most of us.
Siberian Husky: We put a lot of good honest effort into breeding the wolf out of our dogs. Why the HELL would anyone want one with most of the wolf left in? Seriously, if you are in a house that needs sled dogs to get around, one of you is bound to eat the rest of the inhabitants sooner or later. Move to Ames, Iowa or Abeline, Texas so you can get a real dog that doesn’t decide to tear out your throat on a whim…
Australian Shepard: These things are creepy slavering monsters with eyes of different colors and nearly infinite energy. Kind of like Marilyn Manson during a meth bender. If you raise them in a suburban environment, they usually manage to easily find a way to kill themselves. “Is that antifreeze? May I taste it? No?… How ’bout now? No?… Now? No?”