Check your smoke detectors. If they don’t go off when you are making pancakes, they probably need new batteries.
Not only should you determine the fastest way out of your house in case of a fire, you should also have an effective way back in, in case the fire follows you outside and tries to start something.
If a room fills up with smoke, move low to the ground so you don’t hit your head on the coffee table when you pass out in the living room.
If your house is on fire, feel each door knob and door surface before opening. If feeling your doors arouses you, try to think of baseball.
It is important to leave your house immediately if it is on fire. This was determined by a study from the University of No Shit Sherlock, Boulder, Colorado…
If you can only save one of your children, save the one who spit up and peed on you the least as a baby.
The best way to extinguish grease fires is to suffocate them. Put a lid on the pan that has the fire and it will smother in a few seconds. If you don’t have a lid for that pan, improvise by breathing in the air around the grease fire, then running into another room to exhale…
Keep matches away from your children. If they take up smoking, encourage them to “vape”.
Remember to keep your fire extinguishers charged; and no, I don’t know what that means, either…
Dispose of your Christmas trees promptly to prevent fires. If you find you have three or more in your garage, it’s time for a trip to the dump.
During a house fire, do not pray to Smokey the Bear because he only handles forest fires… although, he is also the patron bear of travel and midwives.
Hold frequent fire drills in your house to ensure readiness. Get drunk frequently to ensure blind panic.
Call 911 only AFTER you’ve left your burning house, run back in to get your phone and caress your doors, then left your burning house again…
If your dog wakes you up and starts acting peculiar, check the house for a fire. If it’s a false alarm, your dog probably just needs her batteries replaced.
If you’ve had fire insurance for more than five years and haven’t had a fire, you should probably have one to avoid losing money.