Fire Safety Tips

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Check your smoke detectors. If they don’t go off when you are making pancakes, they probably need new batteries.

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Not only should you determine the fastest way out of your house in case of a fire, you should also have an effective way back in, in case the fire follows you outside and tries to start something.

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If a room fills up with smoke, move low to the ground so you don’t hit your head on the coffee table when you pass out in the living room.

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If your house is on fire, feel each door knob and door surface before opening. If feeling your doors arouses you, try to think of baseball.

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It is important to leave your house immediately if it is on fire. This was determined by a study from the University of No Shit Sherlock, Boulder, Colorado…

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If you can only save one of your children, save the one who spit up and peed on you the least as a baby.

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The best way to extinguish grease fires is to suffocate them. Put a lid on the pan that has the fire and it will smother in a few seconds. If you don’t have a lid for that pan, improvise by breathing in the air around the grease fire, then running into another room to exhale…

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Keep matches away from your children. If they take up smoking, encourage them to “vape”.

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Remember to keep your fire extinguishers charged; and no, I don’t know what that means, either…

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Dispose of your Christmas trees promptly to prevent fires. If you find you have three or more in your garage, it’s time for a trip to the dump.

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During a house fire, do not pray to Smokey the Bear because he only handles forest fires… although, he is also the patron bear of travel and midwives.

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Hold frequent fire drills in your house to ensure readiness. Get drunk frequently to ensure blind panic.

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Call 911 only AFTER you’ve left your burning house, run back in to get your phone and caress your doors, then left your burning house again…

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If your dog wakes you up and starts acting peculiar, check the house for a fire. If it’s a false alarm, your dog probably just needs her batteries replaced.

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If you’ve had fire insurance for more than five years and haven’t had a fire, you should probably have one to avoid losing money.

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