For My Second Wedding I’ve Written My Own Angry Vows

[Note:  Next week, to commemorate another hundred followers, will be Chapter Three of The Moosehead Strategem.  Clear your calendars and hide your daughters]

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Add some Andre Champagne and tamales and you’ve got my wedding

I promise to always be true to you as long as you don’t look as if you want to have an affair.

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I promise not to go to bed angry so we’ll need to keep a supply of Xanax on hand.

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I will be your bridge over troubled waters and you can be the person who crosses that bridge and then spends all my money at the track.

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I promise unconditional love provided you meet the requirements for such.

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I will care for you when you are sick, cheer you up when you are sad and ignore you when you are being a real bitch.

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I will welcome your awful parents into my home and then slip out the back and spend that week at a motel or youth hostel.

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We will make babies together and I will assume that most of them are mine.

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You will have full input on what we do as a couple and I will have full veto power over that input.

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I will tell you that you are beautiful every morning until it starts sounding sarcastic and mean.

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May the ring I give you not be construed to be an indicator of future jewelry purchases.

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11 thoughts on “For My Second Wedding I’ve Written My Own Angry Vows

    1. Sometimes, you’ve just got to let the old anger out. But, I’m no more bitter than the average person who’s lost their home in a fire or been the first one to get a new disease…

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